How To Tell If Your Personal Boundaries Are Being Violated
Do you know when some one is stepping all over your personal boundaries? So why does it matter?
One of the after-effects of child abuse is the inability to either construct or enforce personal boundaries. Most of the Adult Children of Abuse [ACAb] I have met have no concept of "boundaries". They know walls, cell bars, and hiding places, but not boundaries. (I love this book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud)
Many abusers try to do an end run around the "NO!" by using passive-aggressive methods like insinuation, dominating the conversation, demeaning tone in their voices, or sarcasm.
ACAbs learn to live and grow around someone else's boundaries (or walls of silence, or blocks of anger). We become so adaptable that soon we lose any sense of self. I did that. There was no such thing as my schedule, just adapting my life to everyone else's needs. This is especially a problem with Christians who are active in their churches! Even pastors have a problem drawing boundaries! That's why they burn out!
When it goes too far, a person can end up dissociating with his/her own identity. Or the ACAb can experience PTSD [Post Traumatic Stress Disorder] as I did. Hey! It's not just soldiers on the battlefield that have it!
ACAbs who grew up in a battlefield at home can experience nocturnal Grand Mal seizures, severe memory loss, night terrors, panic disorders, and other serious symptoms. It's a full time job just trying to make sense of the insane.
Someone said to me, "So he had a bad childhood. Who didn't?" I would have been shocked if I hadn't already seen that attitude prevailing around me.
Even at three years of age, I knew it was my fault Mama was angry or sick all of the time. I begged Santa Claus to bring her a present instead of me so she would be happy for a change. How pathetic is that?
And at five years, I sat in the Alligator Park in El Paso, watching all the passers-by faces. I was hyper sensitive to body language and facial expressions, and felt totally responsible for all those who were angry, sad, bitter, or poor.
I grieved over every one of those adults, and my brain immediately went into motion trying to figure out how I could "fix" them. That made me an easy target for predators.
Predators come in many disguises. They can be siblings, parents, pastors, deacons, school teachers, school janitors, professional counselors, or even SELF.
Take a person with no sense of self, no ability to even conceptualize a boundary, add raging never-met needs, and you have a self-destructive person.
That takes us to addictions, fear of success, loneliness, isolation, depression, perfectionism (either slacker or over-achiever), self-mutilation, and the list goes on.
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life - the ability to set and enforce boundaries - have to be taught to ACAbs by caring counselors. I've never known anyone who just learned one day how to set and enforce boundaries.
Jesus had boundaries! When He disappeared into the hills to be alone with His Father, I'm sure his disciples wondered what the deal was with his sudden disappearances.
Boundaries are quiet.
Walls and cell bars are loud, angry, and very aggressive.
My goal is still the same as it was years ago: Today I will set quiet healthy boundaries. I will, with God's help, enforce these boundaries if needed. And yes, I will respect the boundaries of others without internalizing them and feeling "unloved and unappreciated".
(c) 2007-2008 April Lorier Perspective
Author April Lorier shares her Christian perspective on NEWS, current events, books, child abuse, divorce, issues for women, psychology, counseling, ministries, and her journey with God.
14 comments:
Thank you very much for explaining the difference between a boundary and a wall. My husband does the wall thing and it makes me feel powerless. I'm going to read your article over and over until I learn how to draw a boundary and then enforce it quietly.
You are a very good writer.
Dear Anon, thank you for sharing with us. I recommend the book "Boundaries" by Dr Henry Cloud. It will teach you how to draw healthy boundaries around yourself so you can have some personal dignity. It sure helped me! God bless you as you continue to read and learn!
Since your so smart maybe you could explain why women use that wall of silence you talk about. They can go for days without talking just to get there way. How about that? Got an answer for that?
Dear Anonymous, these silent women you refer to are usually battered by their husbands or boyfriends or fathers. The only tool they have is silence. Why don't you try being nicer to your woman and maybe she'll talk to you again. (Just an idea from my HUGE brain.)
I'm buying your book after reading this post, and I hope you talk about how you set boundaries in your own life. It is a wonderful way to describe boundaries (your fence analogy) and made it easy to understand. So many of us don't know how to set boundaries without feeling pain and guilt. Thank you for your encouragement.
Jenny, I promise you there is nothing to be afraid of! It just feels scary because it's not what we're used to! Pretty soon you'll have a NEW kind of "normal" and you'll be so glad you made the choice to change the way you let people treat you! (You know what Dr Phil says, "We teach people how to treat us.") He's right!
I first picked up Henry Cloud's book about five to six years ago and it's taken about that much time for me to feel comfortable with setting boundaries. It truly amazes me how many people in this world have no comprehension of where they stop and others begin and where others stop and they begin. So many people are either, intentionally or unintentionally, manipulating or being manipulated, persuading or being persuaded, coercing or being coerced that it takes a while for someone to build up the confidence to etch out those "fences" of self. In fact it's almost impossible to do without the support of others who understand boundaries. Great article.
Craig, sadly, we live in a world where power rules - all kinds of power, both good and bad. Those of us who do not try to exercise "power" over others are made to feel inadequate and irrelevant. Reading books such as "Boundaries" helps change the lies we've learned into Truth. Reading God's Word does the same. It's The Truth that will "set us free!" Thank you for your comments.
About 4 years ago I took Cloud’s ten boundaries of self (body, attitudes, thoughts, feelings, behaviour, desires, abilities, choices, limits and negative assertions) listed in one of his other books and have ever since gone over and over and over them in my mind. At first I discovered how utterly powerless I was to draw those boundaries in my life let alone take responsibility over these areas or even to come to a basic understanding of how to line them up with truth. It hasn’t been until recently that I’ve realized that this is precisely what Christ came to give us, His character, His person living and ruling as King over this property of Self that these boundaries define, over our bodies and attitudes and thoughts and feelings and desires and choices, etc. His disposition permeating every aspect of who and what we are.
I had something of a vision not long ago of this land of Self. It was dark and deserted and dying and broken and altogether cut off from God. But then I saw the Cross and the price that was paid for the ransom of my soul, the Blood that was shed. And then a door was opened and in poured God’s Spirit full of light and strength and goodness and beauty, flooding this land with His Presence. I saw the battle ahead, the battle needing to be fought against all these diseased feelings, false attitudes and thoughts, protective and destructive choices, etc., a battle that apart from Him simply fills me with utter despair, but with Him produces a sense of confidence and even excitement over the rewards of having my character coming more and more in line with Him, knowing that the more like Him I am the more intimate my relationship with Him will be. It’s full on to think that Christ has won us the choice to share in His character, the most blessed, most content, most joyful, loving, good, Being in existence.
Do you know of any books that relate to this?
Go on Amazon and search for books by Chuck Colson. He's one of my favorite non-fiction authors.
If you appreciate fiction that's not really fiction, the best book I've ever read was by Randall Arthur. It's called "Wisdom Hunter". I've read it 6 times!
Cheers April. I'll definitely get that. I've read some of Colson's stuff. Stay cool. Craig
I would really recommend "Wisdom Hunter", Craig. The author was a pastor and his search for "authenticity" really spoke to me at a time when I was struggling with boundaries.
Blessings!
Very informative post,
Thanks for letting me know the difference between both.I enjoyed.Of course you are a good writer.
There definitely is a difference!